There is a saying that if anything can happen it will happen. There is a saying in Mμ – if it will happen, then it will happen in Mμ first. Read all the good but unusual happenings in Mμ here.

31st January 2017

POSITION VACANT:      Witch of Mμ

 It is now many many years since any woman (or man) of Mμ has perfected, praticed, or indeed been suspected of, witchcraft. This has led to a whopping great hole in both the areas of medicine and prophecy in our fair land. Applicants are invited to apply at Mμ Town Hall in person. No previous experience nor warts essential. We are looking for someone to learn the arts using the reference materials in the Library of Mμ, In the event of more than one suitable applicant we can divide Mμ into several hagdoms. A choice of familiars is available, or you bring your own. Opening date 1st February - the Festival of Imbolc.

This is the only known photo of our last witch. Sherry Bliar, name after her mother’s favourite tipple. It is said that he spirit still haunts certain areas of Mμ that still cling to the past. The new witch’s first task is to exorcise her ghost.

19th January 2017

A few people in Mμ have suggested that the flag of Mμ needs a revamp; something novel to bring Mμ firmly into the 21st Century - to lead the way.
The current flag has indeed been around awhile; blue seas, sandy shores, and lush green vegetation, all with a nice friendly sun. Tradition is that the colours actually come from the beak of the Large-billed Mμ Puffin, or Mμfffin as is often called. So perhaps the flag is out of date, now that the Hμpμ has replaced the Mμffin as the nation's favourite bird.
Any thoughts and suggestions are warmly welcomed. Indeed Freedom of the City of Mμ will be awarded to all *suitable* image submissions for a new flag with full explanation. There is no expiry date on this. We can keep changing the flag, as and when newer and better ideas are presented.

The people of the Land of Mμ are always very friendly, but we should be just as, or even more, friendly to tourists. But, I hear you ask, how do we spot a tourist? Well, they no longer arrive with a train of donkeys carrying a set of new clean clothes for a dinner party each evening. Nor do they have an entourage of servants in tow.
The modern tourist is easy to spot though. They come prepared! Even a stroll around one of our beautiful landscaped parks, whether old or young, cannot be attempted without the aid of a pair of hiking sticks. And a sightseeing walk around the town, looking at Mμ's heritage is perceived as fraught with hazards by tourists. So they come with backpacks loaded till bursting with everything they could need on a trip up the Amazon yet alone doing a bit of window-shopping. Beware of these people. They can suddenly swing around and knock you flying with their backpacks. However they will have a full first aid kit, splints, and perhaps a folding stretcher buried somewhere in all that kit.

The one area where Mμians could be more friendly to tourists is in the bars and restaurants.* Unfortunately the waiters of Mμ can't or won't keep up with whatever food fad is happening elsewhere in the world. Rather than plead ignorance the waiters are likely to smile and just say "Yes" to enquiries such as tofu and vegan diet, dophin friendly, low carb, palaeo diet, power foods, and so on.
So now waiters will be specially trained to say Yes in the tourist's own language. And when the tourists insist on spring water it should come from one of Mμ's health-promoting springs, and not the horse trough on the corner!

* Well the tourists who don't arrive with a packed lunch of ham sandwiches and hard boiled eggs, or those who fill a bag to the brim with items from the hotel breakfast buffet; enough to last the day.

31st December 2016

2017 will be the Land of Mμ's Year of the Zebra. Mμ dedicates a year to a different animal each year - and it's nothing to do with fortunes or such bunkum. Zebras are quite popular around Mμ, especially in the Mμmbassa area. Of course the Mμians will have their own way of celebrating the "horses in pyjamas" as they are affectionately called in the Land of Mμ. Mountain sports will be popular, whilst Plains will be 2017's fashion. And everyone will enjoy Grevy with their meals.
The main picture is from a larger painting which greets visitors to the Mμseum Art Gallery. It shows the legendary AMμzon warriors riding into battle on their war zebras. The other pictures show how zebras are well integrated into the leisure, sporting and everyday life of Mμ

24th December 2016

Do you put your husband or wife, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend on a 'pedal stool'? Well now you really can. Many bars in Mμ itself and in towns across the Land of Mμ have pedal stools installed. Now they are available for the home. Land of Mμ pedal stools come is all syles - including modern, steam punk, sporty and traditional. All are fully adjustable for leg length, and with a choice of cushion filling to suit all posteriors.

14th December 2016

Following events elsewhere in less important parts of the world, such as the Brexit vote and the Trump/Clinton slanging match, there has been a backlash against fake news sites on the internet. These have been accused of spreading false rumours and downright fibs thus influencing public votes. Let’s just say that people believe what they want to believe. Even spoof news sites like the Suffolk Gazette have their stories parroted in the national press, no matter how obvious the spoof is. See this article from the Suffolk Gazette
Even ITV News seems to have been taken in.

However should anybody think that this page is peddling either fake news or spoof stories, we will say “These reports are as true as they ever will be”. That said, we await to be mentioned on a list of dodgy sites. The Land of Mμ would appreciate the irony of that.

9th December 2016

We see and hear that the latest trend elsewhere is what the Danish call 'hygge'. Basically it means clustering together for warmth, wearing bulky clothing, drinking hot drinks and so on, just to stay alive in a cold winter climate without going penniless with the heating bills.
No need for all that in the Land of Mμ. It is always warm and sunny here, and Mμ is the number 1 stress-free zone. So socialising means making yourself comfortable with a long cooling drink flavoured with exotic (for you) fruits, or a refreshing beer or three. Chilling out has never been better. We will have to call it 'Hμjje' or 'Hγjje'.

2nd December 2016

The Land of Mμ is prepared to offer a solution to the case of Iceland vs Iceland. In case you haven't heard, Iceland the country has an issue with the naming of the British food shop chain Iceland. Not wishing to support either side, it would seem that the only rational solution would be to rebrand the shops as Land of Mμ. We wouldn't even ask a nominal amount of money for the privilege.

A chance discovery of some unexpected plumbing deep in the Forest of Mμ has led to a project for Mμniversity students on the Linguistozoology course. Cameras, including those with infra-red capability, will be set up, Hopefully an answer to an age old question will be found. Just need to wait for a bear to come along.

9th November 2016

Barely an hour after the election result in a country that will remain nameless, the first refugees have come knocking on our doors (actually  its a garden gate in a picket fence but it serves well). They seem  peaceful enough in their varied and gaily colourful national costumes.

8th November 2016

Following the news about Toblerone short changing customers with a redesigned bar somewhat 'lite' on chocolatey ingredients, we can assure residents of, and visitors to, the Land of Mμ that REAL Toblerone bars with be available here for the foreseeable future. Should any other manufacturers try the same trick they will not catch the Land of Mμ. You may not have Tobelerone as your first choice of confectionery, but the good folk of Mμ will always oppose changes to icons on the basis of cheapness or conformity. Here you can still buy Marathon bars and Opal Fruits. We know how much people in Other Places* mourn the rebranding of their favourites. In fact a burgeoning sweetie tourism ‘industry’ has been detected with visitors snapping up all the the confectionery that was the highlights of their childhood. They are transported back in time, with smiles on their faces. Entire suitcases are filled to take back home

30th October 2016

Following the recolonisation by Archeopterix Mµ could benefit by offering bird-watching holidays for the more serious must-see-all sort of bird spotter. Mµ is quite lucky to have a number of endemic avian species. There are two sub-species of Dµdµ, one in the forests and one that inhabits the Plain of Mµscow. The dµdµ, whilst resembling the dodo, is in fact a flightless bird of the hoopoe family. It has rapidly evolved to  resemble the dodo as a protective adaptation; the dodo would doubtless have the protection of endangered species. Another flightless bird lives in the sparsely populated area to the north of Mµnitch. This is the Emµ (not to be confused with the Emu) whose closest living relatives were the giant Moas of New Zealand. Despite their size the Emµ can silently creep up behind people, especially those in big game hunter togs.  There could be excursions for the spotter, into the Desert of Mµ to see the Phoenix at hatching time, or up into the Mountains of Mµ hopefully providing them with a sighting of a Roc.

Other birds of interest include:
The Stork-Stork whose call resembles a mobile phone – or perhaps mobile phones are made to sound like its call.
The Carnival Bunting with its colourful but often faded and shabby plumage
The Stark Raven whose call is gibberish, even to other Stark Ravens
Owtferra Duck, the most unsuccessful and unlucky bird known.
Ebay Snipe which typically turn up 10 seconds before a group of watcher pack up to go home
Other rarities found in Mµ include the Shell Petrel, Nor Egrets, Allan’s Partridge, Lemon Tartan Bustard, Kebab Skua, Spicy Dipper, Spooner’s Pheasant, Dubious Hobby, Quick Shag, Balder’s Coot, Stupid Twite, Juster Lark, Railway Chough, Tireden Puffin, Big Tit, Funny Tern, Itchy-scratchy Thrush and Ring-neck Pullover.

17th October 2016

Which are you? Onomatopoeian or Realist? The BIG talking point in the bars and cafes of Mμ this week is the etymology of the name for the Hoopoe. These birds are the base genetic stock of the Land of Mμ’s larger and more colourful avian mascots, the Hμpu. The one side favours the origin being imitative of the bird’s call. They certainly do make a ‘hooo poooo hooo’ sound. Some dictionaries will tell you that it dates back to the 1600’s and the Lation word ‘upupa’. However there is competing line of thought, based on the appearance of the birds and in particular crest of the male birds during their mating displays. Supporters claim that anyone seeing such a display will be cheered or even ‘cock-a-hoop’. That phrase itself is derived from the French. ‘Coc’ meaning male bird, and ‘huppe’ for the crest. Both theories have a lot going for them, and both seem quite logical. The library at the Mμniversity is fresh out of medieval bird watching guides, and similar books and manuscripts as the origins of the word are investigated. Some serious money is also being wagered.

What do you think? Or do YOU have a third alternative? Let’s keep this one on the boil.

14th October 2016

There was an interesting story in the Mμs of the World last week. An anonymous resident of Mμnitch, a town which prides itself on maintaining old custom, was experiencing strange nightmares in which he was repeatedly suffocated by demons. Usually the demons in Mμnitch only appear during the day (or so I am told). He was referred to Prof. Fuselli, an expert on dreams and demons, at the Mμniversity of Mμ. The professor consulted his copy of The Peterborough Bestiary, written between 1304 and 1321. This is among the most sumptuously decorated extant bestiaries. 104 miniatures adorn all pages of the manuscript: they are either set on glowing golden grounds within coloured Gothic ornamental frames or on colourfully patterned grounds framed in gold. 108 colourfully decorated initials extending over several lines precede the individual chapters on each animal.
Their decoration alternatively consists of either biomorphic interlace or of small male or female portraits. It took him a while find a relevant entry, but under Hoopoe it states “If anybody smears himself with the blood of this bird on his way to bed, he will have nightmares about suffocating devils”. The unnamed person was unable to explain the purpose of his unusual bedtime ritual, except that his granny had done it, and her grandfather too. In time he hoped his granddaughter will follow the family tradition. He claims that no Hμpμs are harmed by his actions.

2 October 2016

More Shock Horror! The solar powered clock (sundial to you) overlooking the main  square was found to be two minutes slow. An expert team of astrochronographers from the Mμniversity of Mμ found that the earth  tremor a few years ago had loosened the retaining brackets and the dial had moved by one quarter of an inch. Now everyone will be able to sleep soundly at night.

People have asked how a sundial works at night. We did consider saying a man was paid to shine a torch on it while ever so slowly moving sideways. But the truth is that it is also calibrated to the Moon. And as you are aware, in the Land of Mμ the Moon follows the Sun across the sky always 12 hours behind. Its that simple

28 September 2016

Sam Alleyoop, manager of the Land of Mμ Fμμtball* squad has been secretly filmed taking bungs.
It is believed that he is using them for his elderberry wine home-brewing activities underneath the main stands at Wμmbley Stadiμm

*Fμμtball is similar to football but quite different. Silly hairstyles are frowned upon.

25 September 2016

There were bizarre scenes yesterday when a groμp of friendly Hγppos started to sink inexplicably into the ground in Mμ Plaza. This family are regulars in Mμ when they come to beg for scraps at the cafes each morning. Both the MμSPCA and a team of geozoologists from the Mμniversity of Mμ are trying to free them.
As to the cause, suspicion is turning to a troμpe of malignant demon-worshipping lemμrs living in the no-mans quarter of the Forest of Mμ. It was widely thought they were responsible when Hγppolyte, the mascot of the Land of Mμ fμμtball team sank into the pitch last year. The lemμrs are known to be jealous of the popularity of the Hγppos.

26 September 2016

The Land of Mμ emergency services were called out yesterday when a light aircraft narrowly missed a family home as it crash-landed. "If we had been picnicking on the lawn we would have been mincemeat" said Edward Trunk, "Luckily we don't even live there". This incident is turning into a big mystery. The craft carried no identification (nor any clothes yet alone a flight suit), and was on an unregistered flight. The craft had no registration numbers, suggesting that it may have been stolen. It looks as if the wings had dropped off, which may explain why it crashed. A preliminary examination of the pilot (who also carried no identification) suggested he was not well before take-off. An artist's impression of the pilot has been released in the hope someone recognises him.

Meanwhile Mμ is awash with rumours that a Mμ.F.O. had been spotted a just few miles away and just a few minutes earlier. "We have no evidence that these two stories are any way related" said Inspector Spectre of the Mμ Hygiene and Sanitary Executive

Do you recognise this pilot? Contact the HSE.

11 September 2016

Now that the Land of Mμ is enjoying it's second Summer of 2016 it is time to review what is 'In' and what is 'Out' this year - not that Mμians worry unduly about what is fashionable.
  

In Stripey lawns Hornets Cycle clips and tweeds Clothes from Belgian charity shops Corn dollies Irony Coelocanth and chips Imbolc Linguistic inventiveness Gentlemen’s studies and dens Hydrogen      Out Backyard ‘wildlife oases’ Wasps Lycra Anything Scottish Corn plasters Sarcasm Sushi Halloween Clichéd phrases Man caves Helium

And remember - what is Out Stays Out

14 July 2016

The Land of Mμ Mint is issuing a special 100 Hμ collector's coin. Created by craftsmen in Goldish metal it features a Hμpμ in relief. This will be a strictly limited issue, limited only to the number of orders received. Available world-wide for the face value of 100 Hμ (approximately £499.99), while all Land of Mμ residents will receive one free.

Please Note: This coin is not legal tender in Mμ or indeed anywhere else.

7 July 2016

From Hμpμs to Hγppos
While ex-drug lord Pablo Escobar's herd of now wild hippos are causing consternation in Colombia, the Land of Mμ's pygmy hγppos are going from strength to strength and are fast becoming national favourites. Some are so small that some people have added them to their tropical aquariums. You can adopt one of these lovable cuddlies for a mere £250 from the Mμ.S.P.C.A. Treat yourself now, and save a hγppo. They’re so cμte!

24 June 2016 - Strexit Day

The votes have been cast and counted. Does Land of Mμ want to break from Straddle? No! Its a 99.5% vote to Remain. Land of Mμians are being urged not to hunt down those who voted to leave and not to tar and feather them; counselling is available. The big question is, of course, why we got into a position for this vote in the first place. And the good news is that the Hμpμs will not migrate away permanently.

31 March 2016

A family in Mμ have made up for deficit of guysers here, and installed a fountain in their back garden in an extention to their water feature. It will prove very popular in the summer when it is expected that there will be a queue for a refreshing shower. There is no truth in the suggestion that the installer missed a decimal point in working out what pump power would be needed. 'It works according to design' he said.

26 January 2016

The Land of Mμ is happy to announce that Hot Frittered Bananas will be available at all major centres from April 2017. This is from Dawlish Warren on TripAdvisor - “a wonderful banana fritter from the little chip shop by the bridge, they are to die for!!”

Make sure you get your five-a-day - you won't regret it.

14 January 2016

The Land of Mμ would like to make it clear that Donald Trump in not welcome here; not because of his recent comments though. The Land of Mμ positively frowns upon the wearing of guinea pig pelts as headgear, and also would make entry difficult to anyone whose name is a euphemism for passing wind. This applies to Michael Bubble too.

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