Running water? Pfaw! 'Every day, in every way, we get better and better'.

Lancre is preparing for the naming of the first child of King Verence and Queen Magrat. Somehow, the Magpyr family has received an invite, and they are vampyres from Escrow in Uberwald. Verence has been very aware of the importance of international relations he explains to Magrat. Funny then that the Magpyrs are the only, what may be called foreign guests. At the Troll Bridge their coach is stopped by Big Jim Beef who is acting as passport control, one of Verences modernisations. Jim stamps pieces of paper with something that looks like a duck .... or is it a dodo? The Magpyrs seem to have plans for Lancre. They note that is virtually undefended.

 
Troll bridges are a feature across       An Ankh-Morpork passport page with both an entry stamp       Shawn Ogg’s home-made stamps also uses
Discworld, this one being situated         for Lancre and a Sixpence Duty Paid stamp.                         the duck impression. There have been 10
in Borogravia.                                                                                                                                 variations on this stamp reported

Granny Weatherwax has been called out for a difficult birth over in Slice. Returning on her broomstick she has noticed something evil approaching the castle from the direction of Uberwald. Back at her cottage she broods over a lack of invite to the naming. Postmaster Shawn Ogg is certain he delivered one when Granny`s absence is noticed. [It is later found to have been stolen by magpies due to the shiny edges]. Nanny Ogg is horrified, not only to find vampyres at the ceremony, but also that Omnian priest Mightily Oates has been drafted in at late notice to conduct the ceremony. Brother Perdore (who would have just mumbled a few words in an ancient tongue, fill up with brandy, and take sixpence) had fallen into Skund Gorge. The Omnians burn witches (or anybody who did not totally agree with them), or at least used to. Old stories live the longest.

The silhouette of Granny Weatherwax flying towards Lancre Castle
can be found on the sport of the six pence stamp issued in the
Year of the Spinning Mouse.

  Pastor Oats prepares for the ceremony. He has a new golden Om turtle pendant to wear. Because of Nanny`s glare he is put off and names the baby Esmerelda Margaret Note Spelling Of Lancre. Afterwards Count Magpyr casually mentions that their family will be overlords of Lancre as a duchy, and it seems that no-one bar Agnes Nitt, not even Verence, is unhappy about this. Everybody has the same warm, fluffy, pink, comfortable feeling that this would be a perfectly good idea. The Count`s son, Vlad, is paying attention to Agnes, and the inner Perdita is warning her. His sister Lacrimosa does not hide her animosity to Agnes. The Magpyrs are able to hold the entire population under some form of mind control, but have recognised Agnes is immune. Vlad seems to be able to read her mind though.

Okay so this 1 Obal stamp showsOm in his tortoise form, and it is
not gold, but it is the nearest stamp connection to the amulet.
The stamp was an LBE onlyspecial and is rather rare.

Hodgesaargh, the falconer, leaves after the ceremony, and goes back to his birds. He finds a small flaming feather in one of the pens, but its a flame that does not burn. Consulting his books he concludes it is from a phoenix. He heads out into the hills and woods in search of the mythical bird, armed with lures and decoys. All he finds is the remains of a fire, broken egg and some bone ash.
Meanwhile Agnes gets Nanny to go across with her to look for Granny. They find her cottage spick and span, and deserted. Granny`s box of very personal items is gone too. She has left, laying out a number of items in threes - for the maiden, the mother and the hag. Nanny does not relish being the new hag!

The phoenix is rare in Lancre, but is featured on the 50 wol
stamp of Klatch, issued in the Year of the Three Roses

The Magpyrs have been trying to be modern vampyrs (hence the change of spelling). The Count has trained them to be able to resist garlic, religious symbols, running water, missing socks and all the other susceptibilities of vampires. This is to the disgust of the family Igor who is constantly rebuked for creaking doors, lisping, limping, dribbley candles and spider webs. The old Count loved all these, but the new Count cannot stand Igor`s more Gothic than thou attitude.
Nanny and Agnes, with the help of Oats who also is immune to the Magpyrs, rescue Magrat and Esme from the castle and they do a bit of scrying to find where Granny is. She is up in the mountains in a cave. They head off on broomsticks but have to cross the gnarly ground on foot. This is where things are not as they seem. A little stream can appear to be a deep gorge. Granny is found but refuses to return. She did know she had had an invite, but almost admits defeat against the Magpyrs.

The Igors practice their more precise stitching on the
Igor-up Shtich thtampth

Returning, the witches and Oates get back into the castle. The have arranged a pitchfork and flaming torch mob to create a distraction outside the castle, but the Count just congratulates them on a good show and he will send out hot toddies for them later.
Granny does return, but is tired and weak and looking old. The Magpyrs easily overcome her and bite her neck. Granny manages to tell the others to flee. Vlad, still chasing after Agnes, has taking her flying. Nanny escapes with Magrat and the baby leave with Igor in the Magpyr`s coach. The best way to go is towards Uberwald. The Magpyr clan head back to Escrow by flying. Oats helps Granny and she has a cup of tea with Hodgesaargh. She spots the phoenix feather, and they find that he has one extra wowhawk. The phoenix has taken the form of what it perceives to have been its mother. The two, with the phoenix, head off to follow Nanny. Granny needs Oat`s help, but refuses to acknowledge it. They have religious arguments along the way. He assures her that there is no smiting these days, with preference given to doorstep preaching. Granny is still weak and collapsed, waking up to a small fire. The only thing Oats could find to get it started was his Book of Om. He was inspired by the words of Brutha.

The Omnian 1 Obal stamps came with an equal number of postal labels per sheet, with extracts from the Book of Om.
These will be typical of those that helped Oats on his journey with Granny Weatherwax.

The Nac Mac Feegles are another tribe who have come down from Uberwald. Nanny knows these Pictsies well. She organises them to get Verence out of the castle too. Verence is under stronger control than others and they have to carry him in his nightshirt to their hole. The kelda gives him one her potions; one to give him a fighting spirit and break the control. She also arms him with an ancient bronze sword. Verence leads the Nac Mac Feegles and the Lancastrians to win back Lancre Castle.

The Lancre one penny stamp with Verence demonstrating
how ears come in useful when the crown is a size too large.

he coach with Igor and the witches breaks a wheel right near Dontgonearthecastle, home of the Magpyrs. The Count has done everything to warn people - like changing the castle name and putting a sign saying Dontgonearthecoachpark 20 yards on the left. Igor reckons they will be safe in his tower as its all too traditional there for the Count. Plenty of cobwebs, a door that continues creaking even after it shut, and just the right amount of dust. He is running a spare parts service there with a collection of limbs and organs all in stock. Accidents happen, and there is always need for donors and recipients. The Old Count`s collection of holy water and religious symbols has also been saved. He was a gentleman who gave those hunting the vampires a sporting chance to stake them; after all he would always return a decade or so later to congratulate the vampire hunter - or his descendants. Igor has a dog appropriately named Thcrapth.

A tourist postcard with a typical Uberwald scene. Does that sign
say Last chance not to go near the castle?

        
An Igor 2 Igor postal label for when spare       An Igor spare parts donor policy complete with a       the Seven Pence Post-mortem stamp is
parts need to be shipped                   Post-mortem tax stamp and Bad blintz cancellations.         inscribed What goes around come around

The Magpyrs with Agnes land in Escrow and call out the town by ringing the town bell. The citizens are like cattle to them, and they fancy a snack. But the vampyres powers are failing. Not only are they off blood in preference to a cup of tea, but their hold over the villagers is failing. The have to flee to the castle, and Agnes organises a mob to follow them.

There is a final showdown at the castle when Granny and Oats arrives. The phoenix has taken its huge normal form and is attacking vampires on the battlements. Granny reveals that far from turning her into a vampire, she has Weatherwaxed them depriving them of their powers; they can no longer do anything that Granny would not do. Igor finds they killed Thcrapth so has gone down to the crypt and resurrected the Old Count. The Magpyrs are turned into magpies and told to come back in fifty years when they have learned some common sense.

 .Dontgonearthe Castle as it appears on the Uberwald
30 Bizlot stamp issued in the Year of the Justifiably
Defensive Lobster

Back in Lancre Oats holds singsong service with no specific mention of Om. He will be pressing on to Uberwald to spread the word afterwatds. Verence gives him a double headed axe pendant, and Agnes presents a poultice for his permanent boil on his neck. Back at Dontgonearthecastle Igor rigs up the lightning conductors to a something wrapped in blankets, and waits for the strike. Death finds Thcrapth`th hourglass filled with a special blue light, and the dog miraculously recovers.

An eagle circles above Lancre. Granny Weatherwax watches from upon high, while her body is home in bed with a note saying I STILL ATE`NT DEAD

The Omnian postal labels have a quote for
many circumstances. This may be the
inspirational for Oat`s visit to Uberwald.