Havelock Vetinari reads a treatise, written by Pastor Oates, on the unggue pots of the goblins, which are used to store snot, earwax and nail clippings to be reunited with them in death. He moves on to more mundane matters such as the increase in hard drug used by young trolls.

Vetinari as he appears on the Penny Patrician issued in the
year of the Pensive Hare, This is the only Penny Patrician to
deviate from the penny black style

Sir Sam Vimes, Duke of Ankh-Morpork and Commander of the City Watch, is under reluctant orders to have two weeks leave with the family at Lady Sybil`s ancestral home Ramkin Hall. Its grounds lie on the banks of the River Quire in an area turnwise of the city called The Shire. He finds the countryside too quiet, and there is a strict demarcation between masters and servants. Sam meets the five Gordon sisters who spent all day just hoping to marry gentry;  a man who did not have to work for a living. Goblins around here are considered vermin, and rather smelly thieves. However the farmland provides untold opportunities for young Sam who is enthralled by a book called World of Poo. There is even a resident hermit employed to live in a cave. The local pub, The Goblins Head, is run by Mr Jiminy, formerly of the Pseudopolis watch. Most of the locals accept Vimes, but the blacksmith, Jethro Jefferson, is hot-heated and Vimes has to teach him a lesson in fighting. Willikins, Sam`s valet, has his Burleigh and Stronginthearm Piecemaker ready in case. Vimes senses Jethro has a grievance against nobs and they agree to meet at midnight on Hangman`s Hill. They were overheard.Advertising selvedge from the Merchants Guild $2 Civic sheet for
Burleigh and Stronginthearm, Crossbow-makers

Willikins appears on the Butlers Guild 3p stamp.

When Vimes arrives the area is covered with blood and a goblin claw lies on the ground. There is no sign of Jethro. Next morning, what passes as police in the area, Constable Feeney Upshot, arrives to arrest Vimes for the murder of Jethro. Vimes convinces him that this is a put-up job and meets Stinky a goblin who keeps repeating Just ice.  Feeney`s mother offers Vimes something to eat; she is a dab hand at Bhangbhangduc cuisine. The policemen are led to a goblin cave where Vimes` Summoning Dark demon helps him through the darkness. The see the body of a goblin girl who was killed with a machete on the hill that night, and meets Felicity Beedle, author of World of Poo, teaching goblin girls. Her star pupil is Tears of the Mushroom. Finding that the dead girl was missing a unggue pot, which looks like an iridescent trinket, Vimes asks Jiminy if he has heard of anyone talking about such an item. Yes, a local bad-boy called Stratford, who hangs out with Ted Flutter. They do jobs for Lord Rust.
Sir Roderick Purdeigh explored the land of Bhangbhangduc. He may
be responsible for the introduction of their dishes

The $1 Sir Sam Vimes purple Sport with the
Summoning Dark mark at the bottom left

Back in Ankh-Morpork Fred Colon and Nobby call in on Bewilderforce Gumption at his tobacconist shop. It is a game. Gumption complains about lack of trade explaining low taxes paid, while displaying plenty of evidence to the contrary. The watchmen leave with a few customary gifts. Colon has a big fat cigar which he lights up. The cigar starts to make a crying noise. Back at the Watchhouse Cheery investigates and finds a unggue pot is the cause. She knows it is one known as a soul of tears; it contains the soul of a dead baby goblin, stored ready to be another as yet unborn child. Next day Fred is delirious, and will not let go of the pot.

Treacle Mine Watch House featured on the
first of the Historic Ankh-Morpork series

While Tears of the Mushroom`s harp playing transfixes Lady Sybil and inspires her into action, Vimes and Feeney visit Flutters turkey farm. They find barrels of contraband tobacco, and also quantities of troll drugs; crystal XXX, slice and slab. It is all burnt. Flutter decides to turn Kings evidence and tells them that Stratford is transporting goblin slaves down river to Quirm on the coast. Feeney and Vimes board freightboat The Wonderful Fanny as it trundles along propelled by oxen in the huge paddle wheels, but there is a sudden storm as they free the captured goblins from their towed barge. Stratford is beaten, and tied up, as Cpt Sillitoe tries to avoid all the rocks in the storm surge. Vimes, can see in the dark, and guides him past all the obstacles, but one massive last wave carries the boat over Quirm harbour and dumps it on a sand bank.

The Wonderful Fanny seven pence stamp as
used by the Quire River Riverboat Post

Angua and Carrot visit Harry King at his recycling yards as he is the biggest employer of goblins in the city. He directs them to Billy Slick whose great grandmother explains it all to them and says the only cure is to get Fred to a goblin cave - soon!. Knowing that the cigar originated in Howondaland Wee Mad Arthur commandeers a passing eagle and crosses the Circle Sea to investigate. He finds huge tobacco plantations but the sheds there are full of dead or dying goblins. He overpowers the dozen guards and does what he can before returning to tell Vimes`

The 5 Witchet Bead stamp of
Howondaland, primarily intended for use by Morpokian explorers to the darker continen

Vimes wakes up to find himself a hero, but the goblins have been dispatched to a ship destined to Howandaland together with a man all trussed up. Fortified by bacon sandwiches with Merkel & Stingbats Brown Sauce, Vimes and Quirm Watch overtake the ship and the skipper readily returns to port. There is no sign of Stratford, because the trussed up man is the missing blacksmith, Jethro. Sybil and Young Sam join Sam in Quirm to conclude the holiday. Much of her time is spent sending letters to a number of important people. She lets slip that the holiday idea came to her when talking to Vetinari. It all drops into place for Sam.
Advertising label for Merkle & Stingbats Brown Sauce
from the Merchant Guild two pence stamp
from the Year of the Reciprocating Llama

The Quirm Five Pence showing
Lord Rodley, Duke of Quir

Colon is transported to The Shire and taken to the cave where not only is he cured, but his inherent objection to non-human races is removed. Nobby, jilted by Verity Pushpram, falls for a goblin girl, suggesting something in his ancestryt

The family have a more leisurely return to the Hall aboard the Roberta E Biscuit, a rather opulent showboat. But in the night Stratford, who has sneaked aboard, enters Young Sam`s cabin. However Sam and Willikins anticipate this and Stratford is arrested. While Sybil returns to Ankh-Morpork Vimes receives updates on Fred`s condition, and supervises a proper law agency in the Shire. No longer will local laws be enacted by the local magistrates. They will follow the law. Feeney has two deputies, Stinky and Jethro. Stratford is still trouble. He escapes from the coach transporting him but runs into Willikins who has no qualms about how to end it. Lord Rust reveals the trafficking of contraband and goblins was his son Gravid`s idea, but no-one local, from farmhand to magistrate saw fit to do anything about it. Gravid would be disowned by Rust, denying him the title, and transported to Fourecks.  Vimes thinks this is not severe enough. Sam also seems to have a bigger influence on the thinking of the Shire. He finds that one of the Gordon girls has founded a bonnet shop in Ankh-Morpork.

The Roberta E Biscuit three pence stamp

The Quirm 4p shows a view of the city

The five squid stamp
from Fourecks

Advertising stamp for Gordon Bonnets from the
Merchant Guild two pence stamp from the
Year of the Reciprocating Llama

Back in the city Sybil has organised a concert at the Opera House, and invited Vetinari, Lady Margolotta of Uberwald, Mr Shine and Rhys, the Low King, as well as other dignitaries. They are so surprised and enchanted by Tears of the Mushroom`s talent with the harp that across states, countries and cities, goblins would no longer be vermin, but have equal rights to other sentient beings.

10 Bizot stamp of Uberwald representing                Diamond, King of Trolls, three pence                 Rhys, as he was known at the time,
Lady Margolotta                                              appropriately on a diamond shaped stamp            the Low King The Uberwald 30 Bizot stamp