A wizard dressed as some form of bizarre bird is being chased by the others through the corridors of the Unseen University. They are hunting the Megapode, a traditional ceremony performed once every hundred years. Ponder Stibbons has been reading up on the traditions. He finds one that needs to be performed once every 20 years or a legacy will revert to a former wizard`s family - they must play a game of foot-the-ball. Once of the observers of the chase is Nutt, one of the UU`s candle dippers. Nutt is different; well read, good at whatever he puts his mind to, and has few friends. He is only helping Smeems light the candles to let his one friend Trevor Likely go out. Trev is the son of Dave Likely, the deceased star of foot-the-ball. Trev will not kick a ball, just a can; he has promised his mum. But he is expert with it. Trev fancies Juliet the beauty who works in the night kitchen, but while he is a Dimwell fan, she supports Dolly Sisters. Glenda, the expert cook, lives next door to Juliet and looks after her somewhat. Trevor Likely on a Wincanton post stamp Adapted from the Collectors Cards from 2009 The Unseen University Octagonal Penny sheet holds eight perforated labels showing the type of dribbly candle that Nutt aimed to achieve Trev takes Nutt, with Juliet and Glenda in tow, to a match. It is not an organised game. Rules if they exist, are ignored, and there is much use made of the Shove by both players and crowd. More of a melee than a match. At one point the ball lands in the crowd - Nutt`s hand to be precise. He throws it back and not only scores a goal, but breaks the post, such is the force he used. A Dimwell thug, Andy Shanks challenges Nutt after the game and lays him out. To all intents Nutt is dead, and is taken to the Lady Sybil Free Hospital by Trev, There he makes a surprising, dramatic, swift and full recovery. We learn that Nutt was chained to an anvil for seven years in Uberwald, before being taken in by Lady Margolotta who told him she wanted him to progress from being worthless, to not unworthy, and finally worthy. He was encouraged to use her extensive library. Vetinari was instrumental in introducing him to the University The label for the Uberwald themed convention of 2010 Andy Shank, again from the set of Wincanton post stamps Vetinari seems to have knowledge of Ponder`s discovery. He brings up football with Ridcully suggesting that instead of suppressing it, it could be regulated. Next day The Times reports that the Royal Art Museum has unearthed a cup, 1000 years old, depicting the sport (with naked male players), and containing a scroll with the true rules of the game. Football even has its own goddess, Pedestriana. Ridcully needs to form a team and challenge one of the regular teams Juliet and Glenda visit a fashion show, with free drinks. Shatta of the Maul are displaying their new chafe-free micromail collection. The dwarf owners, Madam Sharn and Pepe (an adopted dwarf) play up to the wealthy of the city, and are relieved to talk to a couple as they really are. Sharn is in need of a model and Juliet fits the bill. She walks the catwalk in micromail and false silver beard and is the hit of the show. Pepe and Sharn want her full time but Glenda has doubts. Pepe describes how he escaped the bucket of crabs - they will climb over each other to escape but only succeed in pushing others back to the bottom. Juliet has transformed to Jewels and is front page news next day under the headline Wotcher, Mustrum Ridcully as the captain of the Unseen Academicals on a 50p AMPO stamp. Advertisement from the margins of the Merchants Guild Morporkia sheet Meanwhile The Dean has left the Unseen University to become Chancellor of Brazeneck in Pseudopolis. Ridcully considers this unforgivable. They even have an equivalent of Hex, called Pex. The ex-Dean visits Ridcully just to wind him up. He even manages to let slip that their wizards appear on cigarette collectors cards. Ridcully though has Bengo Macarona from Genua on this staff. Bengo has a pageful of letters after his name - and is also a talented footballer. Ponder is put in charge of the team, but effectively delegates it to Nutt who applies tactics, philosophy, and 7-dimensional planning to the practices. The Librarian, Dr Hix (skull ring), Bledlow Nobbs (no relation), Rincewind and others are roped in. Vetinari hosts a dinner for the teams and decrees that from now on football will be played with rules and Unseen Academicals will play the first match. The drink they are plied with softens them up to agree. Vetinari also drinks as much as them, but is able to not appear drunk. The Ankh-Morpork Football Association decides to pick an all-star team, A-M United. It has some real players, but half of them are street thugs like Andy Shank. They are not happy that football is being managed.         The Dean as Match Referee          Bengo Macarona and Alf Nobbs featured on Wincanton post stamps               AMFA One Penny only                                                                                                                                                                        available with the Journal Glenda shops at Verity Pushpram`s stall and sees a bucket of crabs and Pepe`s remark comes home to her. Nutt, though is depressed because he is striving too hard to be worthy. In order to get to what is deep in his mind, sealed away, Trev hypnotises him. It is discovered he is an orc. They are no longer supposed to exist. The are said to bite peoples arms off. Nobody would like to befriend an orc. Nutt runs away, so Trev, Glenda and Juliet catch the night coach as he must be heading to Uberwald. They find him on the roadside in the Cabbage Fields of the Sto Plains. Three Furies, the Sisters of Perpetual Velocity, fly over him, sent to protect him by Lady Margolotta. They continue to the inn at Sto Lat. The Lady is there herself, and Glenda gives her companion her opinion of Nutt`s treatment. Glenda is falling for Nutt, and it is reciprocated. They all return to the city for the Big Match. Trev gets presents for the team from Pepe - in exchange for 2 bottles of brandy, and he wants them back. Its special micromail underwear which will hurt anyone attempting foul play more than the player. The Cabbage Fields of Sto Lat on the Fifty Pence from the Year of the Pensive Hare   The Sto Lat Ten Pence, Dark sky, low hill variety Another variety had a lighter sky and taller hillStamps were available to Journal subscribers, The game will be played at The Hippo, more used to being a venue for fairs and markets. There is tension in the air. The Watch is keeping a close eye on everything. There could be a riot. The Academicals have to have a troll escort there. The former Dean is the referee, and James Hoggett captains United. Prior to kick off the National Anthem is sung. Morporkia! Morporkia! Morporkia owns the day! Bengo Macarona displays his ball skills and scores twice, but Ridcully gives one goal to their opponents. Bengo is then visiously hacked down. The Librarian, in goal, is thrown a poisoned banana, keeping Dr Lawn busy on the touchline. Dr Hix is sent off for attempting magic. Nutt comes on as substitute, and Trev too, but he is useless with a ball. Glenda and Jewels are with Pepe in the expensive seats. The referee announces the next goal decides the match. Glenda has an idea. She makes her way to the touch line and explains it to Nutt. When he gets the ball he kicks it into the crowd by Glenda. She hides it and produces Trev`s kicking can, declaring lost ball and rule 202 applies. The can is an acceptable substitute under that rule. Trev scores and its all over. Morporkia depicted on the five pence stamp from the Year of the Prawn                                 The $1 Hippo commemorative stamp                                   Jospeh Hoggett is featured on two stamps                                                                                                      A 50 pence AMPO issue and a Wincanton post stamp Juliet will model mail all over Discworld for Pepe and Sharn. Nutt and Glenda will go to Uberwald, but visit Vetinari and Margolotta first. Orcs were created by Igors, not from goblins but from humans. That was why they were so fierce. The Igors even installed self repair kits which still work, hence Nutt`s resurrection. Margolotta reveal more orcs have been found, living wretched lives. Nutt will culture and civilise them, not for the Lady, but for the orcs. Nutt has proved his worth, especially to himself