That`s not my Cow!

Commander Sam Vimes has enough on his plate without the Uberwald League of Temperance petitioning Veterari for the Watch to accept a vampire as a watchman. Tensions between dwarfs and trolls are worse as Koom Valley Day approaches. Way back in history there had been a battle there, but in the mists of time no-one is sure who ambushed who, and if there was a winner. Legend has it that a storm may have ended it all. The Ankh-Morpork Post Office has issued a pair of stamps for the occasion, one showing trolls chasing dwarfs and the other dwarfs chasing trolls. To add to his problems, Vetinari has sent a clerk
The League of Temperance six pence
issued in the Year of the Spinning Mouse.

The AMPO pair of stamps that were featured in
The Times, adding to Vimes` problems.

Mr A.E. Pessimal, to see if the Watch is providing value for money. While Salacia von Humpedink, Sally, gets her induction news comes in that a dwarf grag, Hamcrusher, has been found dead down a dwarf mine. It must have been a troll because there was a troll club left by him. And all over the city graffiti is appearing - Mr Shine, Him Diamond.
Fred Colon and Nobby are investigating the theft of The Battle of Koom Valley by Methodica Rascal from the art gallery. It is a huge painting, and Rascal was acknowledged to have been totally insane. He believed he would wake up one morning as a chicken, and left himself notes saying You are not a chicken in case he did. His insanity was caused by hearing voices. Many believe the painting holds the truth about what exactly happened at Koom Valley all those years ago, and a codex with the theories has recently been reprinted.
Fred informs Nobby that portrayal of naked ladies is art
if the artist has included urns, or wispy bits of gauze.

Vimes heads for Treacle Road to investigate the death, and meets Helmclever who is very nervous. His superior, Ardent agrees to show him the murder scene. Ardent speaks for the deep-down grags who never see daylight or meet humans; it would degrade their dwarfness. He admits that dwarfs are mining right under the city. It is what dwarfs do. Ardent wants a smelter to investigate the killing and Vimes says Carrot, technically a dwarf, will do it. Whilst down the mine Vimes scratches his arm against one of the sealed doors, and later it becomes an irritation.
There was a witness to Hamcrusher`s murder. A dwarf was seen hitting him over the head with a club, but the witness was Brick, a young troll out of his head on Slab, who fell down an opening to the mine.
Carrot takes Sally and Angua with him to investigate the scene. The is mine sign everywhere; little symbols showing the fears of the dwarfs down there. They conclude that Hamcrusher was killed elsewhere, and that the club was planted.
That night Angua decides to do a bit of investigating on her own, and following a trail enters the mine in wolf form from a well in Empirical Crescent, the bizarre terrace designed by B.S. Johnson. She finds Sally already there. There are dead dwarfs in the tunnel and further on another who managed to crawl to one of the sealed doors where he died. He had managed to draw the Summoning Dark mine sign, the worst there is, in his own blood. The tunnels have been abandoned by the dwarfs and are filling with water and mud. Because they entered in wolf and bat form, both Angua and Sally are having to find a way out naked. They manage to find their way to a cellar below the Pink Pussycat Club. Angua is able to smell Nobby in the audience. His new girlfriend, the drop-dead gorgeous Tawnee, is a pole dancer there. Nobby is able to get them some costumes to get back to the watch house in.
Bloody Stupid Johnson achieved his ill-fated projects
by rounding pi down to 3 and squeezing 13 inches
into 1 foot. His attempts at architecture resulted in Empirical Cresent

Do those following Nuggan know what they are missing?

There is news coming in that trolls are beginning to gather in Sator Square, and dwarfs in the Plaza of Broken Dreams, with only the Cham to separate them. Vimes orders barriers be put up and officers armed with truncheons keep the two sides apart. He bullies Pessimal into joining in to show him what the Watch have to contend with. By the time that the Watch are there both sides are drinking and singing. However Vimes has already ensured that any disturbance will be minimal. He has arranged for all the drinks at the bars to be spiked, so most of the would-be participants are just too drunk to fight. Pessimal, however has come out of his shell and single-handedly attacked a troll with a bloodcurdling scream.

The next day Vetinari informs Vimes that he wants no violence on Koom Valley Day, and that will mean solving the murder of Hamcrusher as soon as possible.

The Koom Valley Penny Patician was only available in LBEs.

Next day the Watch receive a visit from Mr Shine himself. He is a diamond troll, and as such he is the undisputed Troll King - the legend has come to life. He has brought Brick with him, who he leaves under the protection of Detritus to help get his head straight. Brick reveals that he saw a dwarf clubbing another down the mine. Mr Shine invites Vimes to a rocks and geological shop where in a back room there are both trolls and dwarfs peacefully playing Thud. He explains that he too wants no repeat of the Battle of Koom Valley, but believes that the mining dwarfs were looking for, and have found something of great importance. They may have solved the Battle of Koom Valley Codex.

Mr Shine has been celebrated on a diamond shaped three-penny Ankh-Morpork stamp.
They were positioned in the sheets as blocks of 4 rotated through
ninety degrees to each other,

Returning home to read Where`s My Cow to young Sam at precisely 6pm, he finds that the grags have sent a small squad of dwarfs to infiltrate the house. Willikins the butler has already seen to three of them and the fourth makes the mistake of entering the Dragon Sanctuary. The family move into Pseudopolis Yard for safety. Vimes is not amused next day to have four dwarfs calling on him even if they are prominent city business dwarfs and community leaders; Pors Stronginthearm, Setha Ironcrust, Gimlet Gimlet and Grabpot Thundergust. Setha`s sone was one of those killed in the mine.
The Pseudopolis Yard Watch House was formerly
one of the Ramkin homes in the city.

The Wincanton postal label is from the Trading Scheme sheet with a range of differently coloured swamp dragons

    
Three of the dwarf businessmen have advertised on the margins of the Merchants Guild $2 civic sheets

A modern grag, Bashfullsson, brings Helmclever to the Watch House to tell his story. The old grags were searching for a Cube, an ancient Device that could record and replay voices and sounds. They had heard it faintly and were tunnelling to recover it. It was actually in the well, and had been there since Methodica Rascal had thrown it in. The four tunneling dwarfs were killed to keep them silent and Hamcrusher killed because he tried to destroy the Cube. Helmclever dies of fear on seeing the Summoning Dark symbol written on a piece of card. Methodica had found out how to activate the Cube, but could not switch it off.
Sally knows that Angua has trouble with her being a vampire, so suggests a girls night out with Tawnee and Cheery. They start off at The Bucket and end up at Biers.

Lady Sybil reveals that she has a full scale drawing of the Koom Valley painting she did as a school project. Vimes reckons that this will help him solve the mystery, but they have to get there before the grags. He asks Ridcully for a bit of help in making the coaches taking the Watch plus Sybil and young Sam there go faster. In fact they travel so fast that on the Sto Plains cabbages burst into flames in their wake. They take it steadier through Quirm, and then soon arrive at the house of an old school friend of Sybil a few miles from Koom Valley

Archchancellor Ridcully on a stamp as the captain       The Quirm four pence blue was only available here    The Sto Plains one pence issued in the
of the Unseen Academicals football team                     with the Wormherder tseries of covers                     Year of the Spinning Mouse shows
                                                                                                                                                               a typical cabbage picker.

Koom Valley is more impressive than they imagined. The river is cold and fast, the floor is littered with rocks. The valley may change each year, but the peaks remain the same. Vimes tests his theory as to where Rascal painted the picture, and the original painting is found. He finds himself drawn to a sink hole, and investigating he drops down into a subterranean torrent. Coming to, he is in the dark, but finds himself urged on and discovers a party of dwarfs. It is then that his Dis-Oraniser reminds him it time to read Where`s My Cow to Sam. Dazed, injured and driven, he shouts out the story  confusing the dwarfs. He is found by Angua and Sally. Rhys, the Low King has arrived and all are in his custody for protection. The Cube has been recovered and all it needs to start it is Awk!. The voice of B`hrian Bloodaxe tells them that Tak had made the dwarfs and the humans, and was overjoyed when the trolls appeared. The two sides had met in the valley to make a peace treaty. The voice of a Diamond Troll says they were surprised by the storm. They became trapped in the tunnels. And now the petrified bodies of trolls and dwarfs stand side by side. The two kings are having a game of Thud.
The Koom Valley stamps were redrawn for a pair of
special commemorative sheet issues, which show
Koom Valley in all its glory.

Rhys Rhysson the Low King on the 30 Bizot Uberwald
stamp sport from the Year ofthe Reciprocating Llama.

Bashfullsson explains to Vimes that when he hurt his arm on the mine door it was the one with the dead dwarf on the other side; the one that had the Summoning Dark inscribed in blood. The Summoning Dark is more than just a symbol. It is a formless entity from ancient times, and it had found its way into Sam Vimes, and had influenced his decisions regarding the Koom Valley. Bashfullsson knew it would pull Vimes towards the valley. When Sam spared the dwarfs in the caves his Watchman-ness had overcome the hold and the Summoning Dark had gone leaving just the same mark on his arm.

The Summoning Dark symbol appears on the sports
of the $1 Sir Samuel Vimes stamps, in the bottom
left corner

The $1 Koom Valley Clacks stamp issued in the
Year ofthe Happy Goose.

Mr Shine arrives at Koom Valley together with a pile of lesser dwarf kings and leaders of troll clans. But while the paths are cleared and the caves lit up, new treaties have a while to wait for Vimes to read to young Sam - it is 6pm. The caves will be open to dwarfs and trolls to see the truth and they can write back home to tell others.

 
Koom Valley now sees numerous tourists of both dwarfish and trollish persuasions. And they want to send a postcard home. They tend to use indestructible materials for the actual postcards. Examples were available to collectors, with trolls using sedimentary rock and the the dwarfs
using throwing dwarf bread.

There are also pre-paid post cards for the City Watch
and associates stationed in the valley. The stamp is, of
course, the special Koom Valley Patrician